Schizophrenia is defined as:
a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation.
I thought of MDMA as kind of a freebie regarding any possible bad after effects. It’s funny the things we will convince ourselves of at times isn’t it? I took it for the first time in the late 90’s at a rave. I’ve taken it more often away from that atmosphere. I know what you’re thinking…Oh my god he’s found another personal disease! I’ve seen this psychopathy in couples as well over the years;a manic and tense uneasiness.
The following is from a case study:
It has gained a deceptive reputation as a “safe” drug among its users.MDMA use has been associated with various medical complications such as renal and liver failure, rhabdomyolysis, disseminated intravascular coagulation, hepatitis, cerebral infarction, seizures, delirium, fulminant hyperthermia, intracranial bleed, cerebral edema, and coma.3–6
Adverse psychiatric symptomatology associated with MDMA includes panic attack, depression, suicidal ideation, flashbacks, rage reactions, psychosis, and severe paranoia.3
Persistent psychosis after even a single use has been reported.1,4,7
This case report describes persistent psychosis in a previously healthy adolescent girl after a single ingestion of MDMA(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3304680
Perhaps if I take you on a typical day in my mind it will make this more clear. Recently my boss who I get along with well asked if I was ok. I angrily told him that I was fine. Then I kept thinking about how unfucking ok I was. Sure I eat mostly right, am in shape and love my pets. It’s been said that adults without a family keep repeating adolescence over and over again. There’s a scene in The Soprano’s where Tony is exhausted with his son’ s behavior and state’s, “scooters and cars and drum sets and for what? To come home to this?” Only in my mind that’s me talking to myself.
It’s now maybe 10 AM…I guess I should accept that a relationship is just not in the cards. The island that was made out of necessity is also an anvil around my neck. Not because it has to be that way but because it just is that way and I should forget ever(young woman with great fake ones comes in)but if I could get one like that I could overcome all the fear and loathing I could fly, it must be just around the corner…
“Ooh I’m driving my life away
lookin’ for a better way for me,
Ooh I’m driving my life away
lookin for a sunny day just for me”
(Eddie Rabbit/worked with Elvis)
Random thoughts continuing-I need to put spirits to the trivium. I brought the trivium up to my sisters a few years ago, trying to make conversation at a restaurant. It didn’t go over well because people don’t listen to what I say or consider it in those situations and that’s…OK. They had never heard of it and rolled their eyes. (www.triviumeducation.com) I realize it’s common in families to never progress past the childhood roles. I also realize with that being the case, that there is no need to put myself in that situation. What I mean by putting spirits to the trivium is to once and for all prove whether or not other entities exist. In science there is the overton window.(The Overton window, also known as the window of discourse, is the range of ideas tolerated in public discourse.) The church and religion are perversions and inversions of truth. The Bible teaches natural law and how to live without the chains of state. The church is an institution ordained by the state.
The audio of Big Pussy saying to his wife-“I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you!” is playing in my head to entertain me while being annoyed by someone expecting me to explain the goddamn lottery to them!
I know that I’m too much in my own head but I don’t know how to get out of the situation. As much as I desire having friends any conversation I over hear makes me feel content to stay the way I am.
I’m mentioning MDMA and schizophrenia in the same breath because I’ve seen the relationship in myself and others.
There was a word on the street in the 1980’s that cocaine was harmless. Never mind that you only get that awesome rush of chemicals the first time you do it…I wonder how people convince themselves that these things somehow just become available to the public despite authorities being against it. Certain authorities are against it, the one’s who arrest and prosecute you over it. But I digress, that should be the title of this blog which I started in 2013 and haven’t posted anything on in four years. I realize now that ‘magical thinking’ is a diversion and dead end but spent years letting delusions be my guide.
What recreational drugs do is not that different from what antidepressants do. They mess with your serotonin level. I was having a lot of anxiety working with the public again after ten years on a job(I’ve now passed the year mark)and went back on an anti dep for a bit even though I know they are no good. I’m back off it now.
Mental irregularities are comparable to something that would go into a measuring cup as opposed to being all consuming. I could make a graph but where would the line go?
As you might guess, I’m not a strip club kind of guy. Guess what I did one night on molly…
I kept the bouncer busy. I didn’t actually do anything that he ever spoke to me about but there was some sort of esp gymnastics going on. I was using uber at the time.
I went to an Asian massage place one night under the influence. If I could meet one of them in any other situation I can’t help but to think a meeting of the minds and needs could be reached in a more long term arrangement. I tried to communicate this through a translator on her phone.
There’s about two hours left now. It’s a day much like any other, not too happy, not too sad, just the right amount of soma to keep going.